The Internal Constitution
Understanding Our Fundamental Rules and Self-Relationship
The morning Sarah stormed into my office, she was furious about a mistake she'd made at work. "I'm so stupid," she declared, pounding her fist on the armrest. "I should have known better."
I listened as she berated herself with words far harsher than she'd ever use toward anyone else. After she finished, I asked her a simple question: "What would you say to your best friend if they made the same mistake?"
Her expression changed immediately. "Well, I'd tell them that everyone makes mistakes. That it's not a reflection of their intelligence or worth."
"And why is it different when it comes to yourself?" I asked.
This question stopped her short. It was the beginning of Sarah's journey to discover something most of us never consciously examine: our internal constitution.
The City-State Within
Imagine for a moment that you're living in ancient Greece. Each city-state—Athens, Sparta, Corinth—operated according to its own unique politeia or constitution. These weren't just documents; they were living frameworks that determined how citizens related to one another, resolved conflicts, and governed themselves.
In the same way, each of us functions as our own psychological "city-state" with a unique internal constitution. This set of fundamental rules determines how you treat yourself, which parts of your psyche have authority, and how internal conflicts are resolved.
When I explained this concept to Sarah, she was skeptical at first. "You're saying I have some rulebook in my head that I didn't even write?"
"Exactly," I told her. "And until you examine it, you're governing yourself by laws you didn't consciously choose."
Inherited Governance
Like Sarah, most of us don't remember signing up for our internal rules. They came from somewhere else—shaped by childhood experiences, cultural influences, educational environments, significant relationships, and sometimes traumatic events.
Take Michael, another client whose father had repeatedly told him, "Men don't cry." By adulthood, Michael had a firmly established constitutional amendment that emotions were to be suppressed at all costs. This rule wasn't something he'd thoughtfully developed; it was absorbed from his environment.
"I never realized I had a choice," Michael told me after several sessions of examining these patterns. "I thought this was just who I was—someone who doesn't feel things deeply."
The truth was more complex. Michael felt things deeply but had an internal constitution that ruled those feelings out of order, suppressing them before they could be fully experienced.
Rewriting the Rules
The power of the constitutional metaphor revealed itself fully when Sarah returned to my office three weeks later. "I've been thinking about this internal constitution idea," she said. "If these are just rules I picked up along the way, that means I can change them, right?"
This insight marks the beginning of true autonomy. Just as nations can amend their constitutions, we have the right and ability to revise our internal rulebooks.
For Sarah, this meant examining where her harsh self-criticism originated—in her case, from a perfectionistic parent who rarely offered praise but quickly pointed out mistakes. Though she couldn't control how she was treated in the past, she now had the authority to establish healthier governance for herself.
Plato recognized this profound aspect of psychological health over two thousand years ago. In the Republic, he described justice as an internal matter that meant a person "should dispose well of what in the true sense of the word is properly his own, and having first attained to self-mastery and beautiful order, become a friend to himself." This concept of becoming "a friend to oneself" through proper internal governance captures exactly what healthy fundamental rules create—not rigid control, but a relationship of care and respect toward all aspects of ourselves.
The Double Standard
One of the most revealing exercises I use with clients is to compare how they treat themselves versus how they treat others they care about.
When I asked James, a dedicated teacher, what he would tell a student who was struggling with the same challenges he faced, his answer was filled with compassion and perspective. Yet his self-talk was brutal—constantly demanding more, accepting no excuses, offering no rest.
"It sounds like you're a wonderful, supportive teacher to everyone except yourself," I observed.
This discrepancy reveals something important: We already know how to treat someone with care and respect—our rules for others demonstrate this wisdom. The challenge is applying that same wisdom to our relationship with ourselves.
Types of Internal Governance
As I've worked with hundreds of clients, I've observed that internal constitutions typically fall into three categories:
Maria operates under attentive governance. When she makes a mistake, her internal voice says, "Let's figure out what happened and learn from this." When she feels sad, she allows herself to experience the emotion and seeks support if needed. Her internal constitution promotes self-care and balanced development.
Alex functions with neglectful governance. When his body signals exhaustion, he ignores it. When emotions arise, he pushes them aside with "I don't have time for this right now"—though "later" never comes. His internal rules systematically ignore important needs and fail to establish clear boundaries.
Then there's Ryan, whose governance is actively abusive. His inner dialogue includes, "You're such a loser," and "Nobody could ever love someone like you." His constitutional rules don't just ignore his needs—they actively attack his sense of worth.
Most people I work with have a mix of these rule types, often being attentive in some areas while neglectful or abusive in others.
Raising Constitutional Citizens
Perhaps the most profound application of this framework comes in parenting. Children aren't born with fully formed internal constitutions—they develop them gradually through interaction with caregivers and their environment.
When Sophie brought her eight-year-old daughter to family therapy, she was concerned about behavioral issues. As we worked together, it became clear that Sophie was inadvertently helping establish a problematic internal constitution in her daughter. Every time her daughter expressed sadness, Sophie would say, "Don't be sad, you're fine"—teaching the constitutional rule that emotions should be denied rather than processed.
Plato observed this developmental process in Book 9 of the Republic, noting that "this is the aim of our control of children, our not leaving them free before we have established, so to speak, a constitutional government within them." This insight reveals the ultimate purpose of parenting: not merely to control behavior but to help children establish their own healthy internal governance.
As Sophie began to respond differently—"I see you're feeling sad. That's okay, I'm here with you"—she began helping her daughter establish a healthier constitutional framework that would serve her throughout life.
When Constitutions Collide
The constitutional metaphor extends powerfully into relationships. When David and Elena came for couples therapy, their core issue wasn't about love or commitment—it was about two different constitutional systems attempting to create shared governance.
David came from a family where emotions were expressed loudly and resolved quickly. His internal constitution said, "Express feelings immediately and intensely." Elena's family had operated differently—her internal rules stated, "Process emotions privately first, then discuss them calmly."
Neither system was inherently wrong, but they created constant conflict when operating together. Their breakthrough came when they stopped seeing each other as "wrong" and instead recognized they were operating from different internal constitutions.
Healthy relationship development involves constitutional awareness, cross-cultural diplomacy between different internal systems, and eventually finding compromises that respect both frameworks.
Constitutional Reform
When Taylor decided to improve his relationship with himself, we broke the process down into practical steps that anyone can follow:
First, we conducted a constitutional audit, identifying his current rules by examining his self-talk. Taylor kept a journal of the phrases that appeared most often in his internal dialogue.
Next, we applied the double standard test. For each self-directed statement, Taylor asked, "Would I say this to someone I care about?" This immediately highlighted the rules that needed amendment.
We then performed an origin investigation, exploring where problematic rules originated. Many of Taylor's harshest rules came from a coach who had pushed him to excellence through criticism rather than encouragement.
With this understanding, we moved to amendment drafting—consciously creating healthier alternatives to each problematic rule. "I'm such a failure" became "I'm learning through this experience."
Finally, Taylor developed implementation practices—daily habits that reinforced his new constitution until it became as natural as the old one had been.
The Foundation of Well-Being
As Taylor's internal governance shifted, something remarkable happened. Not only did he feel better, but his relationships improved, his work became more satisfying, and his health stabilized. These weren't separate improvements but natural outcomes of constitutional reform.
Just as a nation's constitution determines its citizens' quality of life, your internal constitution fundamentally shapes your psychological experience. The good news is that unlike many political systems, you have complete authority to reform your own governance.
The healthiest internal constitutions share similar principles: They value all parts of the self, promote balanced development, respond to needs with attention rather than criticism, maintain flexible boundaries, and adapt to changing circumstances.
By consciously developing an attentive, balanced relationship with yourself—becoming what Plato called "a friend to yourself"—you create the foundation for both personal well-being and healthier relationships with others.
As Sarah realized in our final session together, "I've spent my whole life trying to be good enough for everyone else's approval. But I never considered that the most important relationship I have is with myself."
Key Concepts: The Internal Constitution
For deeper understanding and review, here's a structured outline of the core concepts in this article:
The Fundamental Rules Component of the SELF Model
The Fundamental Rules component is perhaps the most crucial yet often overlooked aspect of psychological health. Think of it as your internal constitution - the governing framework that determines how all other parts of your mind interact.
The City-State Analogy
In ancient Greece, each polis (city-state) had its own politeia (constitution) - a set of governing principles unique to that community. Athens, Sparta, Corinth - each had distinct laws, values, and ways of organizing society.
Similarly, each of us functions as our own psychological "city-state" with a unique internal constitution. Your fundamental rules determine how you treat yourself, which parts of your psyche have authority, and how internal conflicts are resolved.
Origins of Our Internal Constitution
Like actual constitutions, our internal rules usually come from several sources:
Childhood experiences: How your parents/caregivers treated you
Cultural influences: Values emphasized in your community
Educational experiences: What was rewarded or punished
Significant relationships: How others have treated you
Traumatic events: Lessons drawn from painful experiences
Most importantly, we often adopt these rules unconsciously. Just as you didn't choose which country or state you were born in, you likely didn't consciously choose your initial set of internal rules. They were absorbed from your environment.
The Constitutional Amendment Process
Just as countries and states can amend their constitutions, you have the right and ability to revise your internal rulebook.
This is a profound form of personal autonomy. While you couldn't control how others treated you in the past, you now have the authority to establish healthier governance for yourself. You can consciously examine your internal rules, keep what serves you, and revise what doesn't.
Plato recognized this profound aspect of psychological health in the Republic when he described justice as an internal matter that helps us "become a friend to oneself [philon genomenon heauto]" (443d).
The Double Standard Phenomenon
One of the most revealing exercises is to compare:
How you treat yourself
How you treat someone you care about
What advice you would give to a close friend who was in your situation
Most people discover a striking double standard. You might be harshly critical of your own mistakes while being understanding of others'. You might push yourself relentlessly while encouraging others to rest. You might dismiss your own feelings while carefully attending to others'.
Types of Internal Governance
Your internal constitution typically falls into one of three categories:
Attentive governance: Rules that promote self-care, compassion, and balanced development
Neglectful governance: Rules that ignore important needs, dismiss emotions, or fail to establish boundaries
Abusive governance: Rules that actively criticize, shame, or punish yourself for natural human experiences
Developing Constitutional Governance in Children
Children aren't born with a fully formed internal constitution—they develop it gradually through interaction with caregivers and their environment. This is why parenting and education are so crucial—they help establish the fundamental rules that will guide a child's self-relationship throughout life.
The Relationship Dimension
When two people form a relationship, two separate "city-states" with different constitutions attempt to create shared governance. Healthy relationship development involves:
Constitutional awareness: Understanding your own internal rules
Cross-cultural diplomacy: Learning about your partner's internal constitution
Treaty negotiation: Finding compromises that respect both systems
Mutual influence: Allowing your constitutions to positively shape each other
Constitutional Reform: Practical Steps
If you want to improve your relationship with yourself, these steps can help:
Constitutional audit: Identify your current rules by noticing your self-talk
Double standard test: Ask "Would I say this to someone I care about?"
Origin investigation: Explore where problematic rules came from
Amendment drafting: Consciously create healthier alternatives
Implementation practices: Build habits that reinforce your new constitution
The healthiest internal constitutions share key principles: they value all parts of the self, promote balanced development, respond to needs with attention rather than criticism, maintain flexible boundaries, and adapt to changing circumstances.